Over the last few years I have often been struck by the fact that my disease, although part of me, seems to have a personality of its own. I have to plan ahead if I want to do something physical, almost ask permission, which is sometimes granted and sometimes not. I have come to the realisation that my relationship to my illness is not a fixed thing but shifts and develops in much the same way as a relationship to another person.

I first got Arthritis when I was nineteen years old, I feel like we have grown up together. She is my sister, my Siamese twin, not attached on the outside but living within me. We bicker all the time, each of us wanting both our own way and the last word. Even though we are sworn enemies she can also be a trusted friend and will often act as a parent to hide behind, someone who will never refuse to write a note to excuse me from games. Someone who will always say no for me when I can't, and of course, will always be there for me, and will be willing to take the blame no matter how much I fail or make a mess of things.

There are, however, many dangers in leaning too heavily on a trusted friend to help one navigate through life...

My Twin
My twin is not like a common everyday Siamese twin as she lives on the inside
She inhabits the spaces between my cells and also the cells themselves
She is both part of me and totally separate
She has an identity of her own with her own ambitions, hopes and fears
And who knows
She may well have her own Siamese twin living within her
I think she has

She has an extremely strong will, in fact her will is as strong as mine
Sometimes I think it may even be stronger
There are times when I hate my sister, she is totally selfish, lazy and often downright vindictive towards me
At times I pretend she isn't with me
She embarrasses me, shows me up in public
Makes me wear a warm vest when I don't want to

Sometimes she gets so angry, so loud that I have to retreat and let her have her own way
I don't know why she does this
She won't say
It's very tempting to let her do all the talking, she's very good at it and makes friends easily
But I don't always like her choice in friends

I love my sister but she can be such a pain
We look so alike that often when she's on the outside nobody notices it's not me
She protects me from the world
She protects me from having to participate too fully in the world
No one would expect me to do more - under the circumstances
Why then does all this make me want to cry?