Subject: Just want to give up
At 40 yrs old I developed Serious pain in the hips , JPH & my own doctors practice proclaimed Iād torn my inguinal ring, a particular muscle in and around the groin. I walked around like a penguin for two & half years drowning in pills all because Iād lost the ability to compete let alone just enjoy the sport I lived for. It was Arthritis after all the MRIs Blood tests & Evaluations Finally I was labelled At43 I had a BHR( Birmingham Hip Resurfacing) to the left hip, Same operation as Andy Murry . Pro ATP tennis player which has been well documented. A cobolt hip. I myself lived to play football & Squash amongst other sports. The very day I came out of the operation I saw my feet both pointing in the correct direction rather than 10 to 2 I was Ecstatic! Told I had a new lease of life and went on my merry way After a decent amount of time I was back playing 5 aside and by the end of the year playing Squash and beating quality players. I was competing Roll on 10 years A breakdown in 2014 High toxicity levels in my blood from metal filings due to the cobolt hip. Eyesight Deterioration but worst of all depression. I struggle not being able to compete In a sport i loved. Something I iām extremely good at. Itās eaten away at me to the point I detest the sport and feign my Allegiance to Man City a fab dating back to the dark times in the 70s& 80s To present day itās just after 4am Having wiped my eyes following the copious flood of tears All because of the horrendous pain Iām in I decided I was going to start a blog to record the way I feel and specifically because for the first time I genuinely want to STOP, canāt bring myself to type the words, just want the cease! Said it before many times but now I fully understand it was a feeble threat. My thoughts this morning are, I canāt bear the indignity of having to rely on my daughter or wife to put my socks on an tie my shoelace. Felt like I was a 3 yr old incapable of getting myself dressed. I feel sick to the stomach because Iām back to the very Dark place I was in 2009. Iām typing this through Bleary eyes flooded with tears .... Ironically I started a Business renting stairlifts , I get the feeling and thoughts of others starring at 13 steps to just get to the bathroom, worst thought of all when will the time come I need a hand in the bathroom? Iām almost there ! Here comes the tears again. I should be asleep having a Layin. Yet here I am 10 years almost to the day sitting in my Dressing gown with two very hot dressing water bottles stripped my hip and back at 6:41 . Iāve tossed and turned all night as I have done for the past God knows how long,I canāt see a way out this toxic cobolt contraption Is not the way forward. Just watch bleeding Edge on Netflix An eye opener Iām so drained & tired
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