Subject: Just want to give up
At 40 yrs old
I developed Serious pain in the hips , JPH & my own doctors practice
proclaimed Iād torn my inguinal ring, a particular muscle in and around the groin.
I walked around like a penguin for two & half years drowning in pills all because Iād lost the ability to compete let alone just enjoy the sport I lived for.
It was Arthritis after all the MRIs
Blood tests &
Finally I was labelled
At43 I had a BHR( Birmingham Hip Resurfacing) to the left hip, Same operation as Andy Murry . Pro ATP tennis player which has been well documented. A cobolt hip.
I myself lived to play football & Squash amongst other sports.
The very day I came out of the operation I saw my feet both pointing in the correct direction rather than 10 to 2
I was Ecstatic!
Told I had a new lease of life and went on my merry way
After a decent amount of time I was back playing 5 aside and by the end of the year playing Squash and beating quality players.
I was competing
Roll on 10 years
A breakdown in 2014
High toxicity levels in my blood from metal filings due to the cobolt hip.
Eyesight Deterioration but worst of all depression.
I struggle not being able to compete In a sport i loved. Something I iām extremely good at. Itās eaten away at me to the point I detest the sport and feign my Allegiance to Man City a fab dating back to the dark times in the 70s& 80s
To present day
itās just after 4am
Having wiped my eyes following the copious flood of tears All because of the horrendous pain Iām in I decided I was going to start a blog to record the way I feel and specifically because for the first time I genuinely want to STOP, canāt bring myself to type the words, just want the cease!
Said it before many times but now I fully understand it was a feeble threat.
My thoughts this morning are, I canāt bear the indignity of having to rely on my daughter or wife to put my socks on an tie my shoelace. Felt like I was a 3 yr old incapable of getting myself dressed. I feel sick to the stomach because Iām back to the very Dark place I was in 2009.
Iām typing this through Bleary eyes flooded with tears ....
Ironically I started a Business renting stairlifts , I get the feeling and thoughts of others starring at 13 steps to just get to the bathroom, worst thought of all when will the time come I need a hand in the bathroom? Iām almost there ! Here comes the tears again.
I should be asleep having a Layin.
Yet here I am 10 years almost to the day sitting in my Dressing gown with two very hot dressing water bottles stripped my hip and back at 6:41 .
Iāve tossed and turned all night as I have done for the past God knows how long,I canāt see a way out
this toxic cobolt contraption Is not the way forward.
Just watch bleeding Edge on Netflix
An eye opener
Iām so drained & tired