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Date: 11.01.2020
From: Stuart

Subject: Just want to give up

At 40 yrs old

I developed Serious pain in the hips , JPH & my own doctors practice
proclaimed Iād torn my inguinal ring, a particular muscle in and around the groin.
I walked around like a penguin for two & half years drowning in pills all because Iād lost the ability to compete let alone just enjoy the sport I lived for.

It was Arthritis after all the MRIs
Blood tests &
Evaluations
Finally I was labelled
At43 I had a BHR( Birmingham Hip Resurfacing) to the left hip, Same operation as Andy Murry . Pro ATP tennis player which has been well documented. A cobolt hip.

I myself lived to play football & Squash amongst other sports.

The very day I came out of the operation I saw my feet both pointing in the correct direction rather than 10 to 2
I was Ecstatic!
Told I had a new lease of life and went on my merry way

After a decent amount of time I was back playing 5 aside and by the end of the year playing Squash and beating quality players.

I was competing

Roll on 10 years

A breakdown in 2014
High toxicity levels in my blood from metal filings due to the cobolt hip.
Eyesight Deterioration but worst of all depression.

I struggle not being able to compete In a sport i loved. Something I iām extremely good at. Itās eaten away at me to the point I detest the sport and feign my Allegiance to Man City a fab dating back to the dark times in the 70s& 80s

To present day

itās just after 4am
Having wiped my eyes following the copious flood of tears All because of the horrendous pain Iām in I decided I was going to start a blog to record the way I feel and specifically because for the first time I genuinely want to STOP, canāt bring myself to type the words, just want the cease!

Said it before many times but now I fully understand it was a feeble threat.
My thoughts this morning are, I canāt bear the indignity of having to rely on my daughter or wife to put my socks on an tie my shoelace. Felt like I was a 3 yr old incapable of getting myself dressed. I feel sick to the stomach because Iām back to the very Dark place I was in 2009.

Iām typing this through Bleary eyes flooded with tears ....

Ironically I started a Business renting stairlifts , I get the feeling and thoughts of others starring at 13 steps to just get to the bathroom, worst thought of all when will the time come I need a hand in the bathroom? Iām almost there ! Here comes the tears again.

I should be asleep having a Layin.
Yet here I am 10 years almost to the day sitting in my Dressing gown with two very hot dressing water bottles stripped my hip and back at 6:41 .
Iāve tossed and turned all night as I have done for the past God knows how long,I canāt see a way out

this toxic cobolt contraption Is not the way forward.

Just watch bleeding Edge on Netflix
An eye opener

Iām so drained & tired
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Date: 11.01.2020
From: Colin W

Subject: Re: Just want to give up

Hi Stuart , welcome to our world , move on 25 years with RA and thats where we are

truth is it takes only one joint to cripple you up , our hips can be very painful , I had a infection 6 years ago in my left hip , I could not move at all & sent to hospital & had three opps in five days to clear out the hip joint , & three years later in hospital again with sepsis & organ failer they found I had avascular necrosis of the hip , the hip joint was badly damaged but could not opperate because of other health problems

depression goes with long term health problems , can the resurface the hip , I hope thngs get better for you
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Date: 11.01.2020
From: Lois

Subject: Re: Just want to give up

Hi Stuart, dont think you are on your own because on this forum we all suffer in different ways. Life can be tough. If you need help with your socks shoes whatever thats ok. Remember everyone sick or not has to ask for help sometimes.
I had spinal surgery 9 yrs ago and now I am in constant pain with 5 slipped discs and the bottom of my spine has curvature. They are not looking to operate ever so I just have to cope.
I dont know what medication you take. I have stopped some and now have better pain meds.

Not sleeping is high on the list for many of us.
Life can be good. My saviour is gentle gardening I cant do as much. I was pottering in the garden for about 30 minutes today.
Life take us on a different path unfortunately.
Just shout and scream on here we dont mind one bit.
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Date: 12.01.2020
From: Lois

Subject: Re: Just want to give up

Bumping up
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