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Date: 16.08.2013
From: Samantha

Subject: Arthritis and marriage

This is a tricky subject. Since I was diagnosed with arthritis my marriage has deteriorated in all departments.

I feel I'm just a nuisance to my husband because I'm unable to do the things I could once. By that I mean keeping the house tidy, redecorating, gardening, etc o a lot of it has fallen on his shoulders. And as for the bedroom, well which part of this arthritic body does he think feels sexy? I'm unable to do keep fit due to mobility and let's say if I have a flat stomach again it will be because I've lost a ton of weight probably due to another disease!

Don't actually know which way to turn. Being diagnosed with an incurable condition doesn't make me happy, in fact since diagnosis I've felt more and more depressed. I feel really sorry for the youngsters with this disease, especially those with babies and children to bring up yet.

Is this normal or am I just being a sad git and should snap out of it? I don't know how to make this, and my marriage ok.
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Date: 16.08.2013
From: Suz

Subject: Re: Arthritis and marriage

Hi Samantha

I got diagnosed with R.A at a young age of 17 and am now in my thirties and I didn't get married cos I knew I probably wouldn't be able to fulfil everything a husband desires, Im regretting not getting married earlier but also do appreciate having a single life sometimes cos I don't think I would be able to cope much with marriage lifestyle. so you feeling like this isn't a bad thing or being sad.

The illness just puts us down I guess but we just need to be positive and you being married should be a happy thing.

I hope your husband understands your situation and you guys make the most of your life together.

Take care
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Date: 16.08.2013
From: Colin W

Subject: Re: Arthritis and marriage

hi Samantha

dont know how long you been married or how long you had Arthritis or even which arthritis you got , depression goes with long term illness , we all deal with it differently , some take meds & some do some sort of meditation but its pretty normal

most men will do everything they can to help thier partener , try to be positive & try to get your arthritis under control as much as you can & maybe talk to your GP about being down , its normal & you would only need mild drugs for it like amitriptyline
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Date: 16.08.2013
From: bsk

Subject: Re: Arthritis and marriage

Hi Samantha, If you could get some support/treatment for your mood things might look a bit more rosy. None of the problems you have are unsolvable and most of us have probably experienced many of them.

Have you talked to your doctor? I did a mindfulness course on the NHS and it has helped me cope and I started to see things in a different light. You aren't alone and I'm sure you can make your marriage ok again.
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Date: 16.08.2013
From: marlene

Subject: Re: Arthritis and marriage

Hi Samantha, I think firstly a chat with your Gp will help. It is normal to think the way you do you are grieving for the old you. Life isn't over it is just different.
I am sure your husband is quiet happy to help you mine certainly is. Wouldn't you help your husband if it was the other way around? The answer is of course you would.

Samantha talk to your family how will they be able to help if they don't know how miserable you feel.
Please keep in touch with the forum I find them so helpful.

Keep your chin up sending you a hug X
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Date: 16.08.2013
From: Helen

Subject: Re: Arthritis and marriage

Hi my name is Helen I'm new to this site I have contacted the group by email to find out about the mthly meets. IV psa osteoarthritis in both knees im on methotrexate&folic acid IV got chronic lower back pain for which I'm on mst tramadol pregablen. I also feel like u Sam I can't help with gardening decorating everyday chores. IV made my mind up about moving myself so I'm coming to the groups nxt meet looking into joining a ladies gym as I was told by the consultant I was overweight and need to move myself I knew that but thought he was rude to say it IV never been this weight before but had my pains before so how does that work out. So don't feel ur alone with ur thoughts or what u can't do as there's plenty of us out here feeling much the same. I feel a little better after reading ur story it could have been me u was talking about. Sorry IV gone on just couldn't stop!! Take care x
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Date: 18.08.2013
From: Mel

Subject: Re: Arthritis and marriage

Great advice above but I would like to ask if your illness and the consequences of it have been fully explained to your husband. Maybe then he would be more supportive if he understood.

Take him with you next time you see your GP or Specialist. Talk through it all together. It is very depressing to have a long term illness but I'm sure you can work through it together, which will help to make you both feel better.

Good luck.
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Date: 18.08.2013
From: Samantha

Subject: Re: Arthritis and marriage

Thanks for your replies. He does understand Mel but I don't think he realises how life changing its been for me. This disease seems to be progressing so quickly!
It's often said "old life and new life" and that's very true and it takes time to come to terms with it as any incurable diagnosis would I guess. He certainly doesn't have any idea of the discomfort and pain it causes and why would he?

Hopefully things will be brighter in a few months' time.
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Date: 18.08.2013
From: Helen

Subject: Re: Arthritis and marriage

Like u my husband is very understanding and is getting to grips with this new problem. Diagnosed Oct 2012 after 18 wks waiting list. My husband has been a great help since my slipped disc and sciatica nerve damage which has left me in chronic pain since2001 but this is a complete change due to the different sort of pain and tiredness and wanting to sleep instead of going out. Im the one who feels sad&guilty that I can't do wot we used to do together for the last 28yrs but he reasures me he's happy and OK doing what we r doing. So I think we have to do the changing with our new lives and be happy we have such brilliant husbands wives and partners. Happy days&years ahead.
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Date: 23.08.2013
From: jo

Subject: Re: Arthritis and marriage

Hi my husband is wonderfully understanding but he has only known me with arthritis if he wasn't we would not be together but i do accept it is difficult for anyone to understand the condition good luck.
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Date: 23.08.2013
From: Linda

Subject: Re: Arthritis and marriage

It's always hard for someone who's healthy to understand what it's like to live with an illness Samantha.

"The spoon theory", perfectly describes what it is like to live with Lupus, but it could equally describe what it's like to cope with any autoimmune disease. Spoons are daily tasks and we only have so many to use each day. I always refer members of my family to "The spoon theory" when I tell them I can't do a particular task.
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