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Date: 27.01.2012
From: Paula

Subject: Silly me, anxious

Hi guys,
Hope you are all staying warm in this really cold weather and I am sending a big hug if you are battling bad pain at the mo. I am due to see the rhumy consultant for my second appt nexxt week, it is to start the treatment programme. She gave me the leaflets on methotrexatte and hydroxcylogquine, and I had a depot steroid injection. I have to have another one next week, the first one made me really ill, and as I have a mood disorder on top of RA the irritability is crap, as the two disorders are rubbing each other up the wrong way. I feelt at the moment I have no one to talk to, and I am scared to be honest, especially with the meds. I suffer with hyper sentsitivity to medication, which means 3 mg can wipe the floor with me. I know it sounds silly but it is true. I am wishing at the moment that I had never told anyone I have RA, anyone, because I can't talk to them about how I am feeling, and I am bottling things up. I am on so much medication, and side effect medication to control the side effects on top, it is not much fun having to be near a toliet all the time as you have no control, I know you guys will understand what i mean. People are bailing on me left and right, and that will not get better with time. It hasn't with mental health problems,family have pretty much walked away from me a long time ago, and this diagnosis has made it worse, as they see any illness as a weakness and it will not get earier with time. People do not understand when you are feeling tired, or in a lot of pain, generally feel crap, or cannot do the tings you wish with your heart you could do because the joints will not let you and the inflammation makes you feel like crap. I have a question- does anyone experience the feeling of being hot all over even in the face, it feels like a tempreature all the time. Some people have said to me lately it looks like I have sun burn. I would love some spring weather and a nice dry climate. I was not given the opportunity to ask a lot of questions when I saw the Rhumy for the first time. It was here is a booklet on RA, here are some leaflets on the meds, have some more blood tests, and some more x rays, have a jab, see you in a month, and I felt numb when I came away, and I have felt all over the place ever since. On wednesday I saw the GP since I was first diagnosed, and she was not much help. She have me co dryamol, and when I said how my diohhrea has been she said the co dryamol will take care of that. Because I am so senetive to the meds i worry about the methotrexate, even a small dose because of hypersenstitvity. Unforunately, for some reason my body treats all meds like a foriegn object and it can't wait for me to get it out of my system, either one end or the other or both, and I have been like this since a child. The doctors get angry with me because I can't take meds in small doses for long let alone big doses. Does anyone else have a similar problem and how did you deal with it. If i was given leaflets on the two meds, does that mean I could be on both? I feel confused about it all. I am sorry for the long post, and to off load as you all have so much to deal with youselves and are in a much more worst situation than me, it's just that you have all been really kind and understanding since I have found this forum, and even though I don't know any one of you personally I feel I can ask these sort of questions and will be met with understanding and good advice. My GP is worried about the methotexate because of the bad side effects. I think she is worried about the cost of the meds on her budget, she has had a moan about how expensive some of my meds are, silly I know, but it is all about cutting budgets these days isn't it?
I would just like to say hang in there all of you. Sorry again for the long post. here it is past midnight, and I am awake, even though I am knackered and in a lot of pain. Thinking of you all, and a hug to you all as you battle the crap that can be arthritis, whatever kind you have it is hard to deal with. You are all brave to me.
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