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Date: 25.03.2010
From: sarah

Subject: why dont men understand ???

hi all, hope you dont mind but im just gonna have a quick moan, is it just my husband that cant understand how much pain we have to live with everyday, or are they all the same? mine for example thinks that if i havent hoovered that day it because i couldnt be bothered or was far to busy drinking coffee all day, oh and as for the non existant sex life, thats because im having an affair !!!! oh god if only. lol x
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Date: 25.03.2010
From: val

Subject: Re: why dont men understand ???

sarah sorry to hear this perhaps he just does not want to face the truth it hard to see those you love in pain. if not kick him some where hard and ask him if he feels like hoovering lol
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Date: 25.03.2010
From: Amelia

Subject: Re: why dont men understand ???

Hi Sarah,

At first my bf was like that all the time, that was until i started taking him with me to all my hospital appts and doctors appts to make him realise what i was going through and he could hear what the doctors were saying etc.. Maybe if he went with you it might help. Now my bf does everything for me we have 2 kids and he is fab with them he takes them to school cooks cleans so it deffo helped and he understands RA now.

I'm not saying he is perfect though lol

But everything your saying i think most of us have experienced some of our men's selfish ways!
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Date: 25.03.2010
From: paul

Subject: Re: why dont men understand ???

i understand ;-)

you're right though, other people have no idea how painfull arthritis is and judge you by how you look at the time.
People are amazed that i have arthritis as normally i look ok and its only when you discuss and explain the problems they understand.

I'm lucky to have an ex nurse as a wife and she does fully understand the issues i face.

Also with painkillers (i'm only taking paracetamol by the bucket load) these mask the pain to a degree.

It might be worth sitting down with your fella and explaining the issues you have and the pain you feel. Also take home a leaflet on the disease next time you go to the arthritis clinic. Theres even one on sex at the clinic i attend ;-)

regards

Paul
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Date: 25.03.2010
From: KayJay

Subject: Re: why dont men understand ???

Sarah I'm an oldie on here [ 56 ] but been married for 35 years with 3 grown up kids. If you are like me when I was younger I would soldier on just to prove I could cope with everything and although I thankfully started with arther around 40 ish I found that if we look and appear to be okay then it's okay right? Wrong !! you must tell him how you really feel, we don't get any medals for fighting through the house work do we ? If he can't sympathise with your illness and help you more then I don't know how you can make him change. I spent about 25 years trying to make mine change all to no avail. But that's another story. Good Luck give him a chance but don't spend your entire life trying to.
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Date: 25.03.2010
From: sarah

Subject: Re: why dont men understand ???

thanks for all of your advice, ill definatly try and make him come with me to my next hospital appointment. cheers everyone x
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Date: 25.03.2010
From: MOONFAIRY

Subject: Re: why dont men understand ???

Hi Sarah i am almost 51 and i have been Married 10 years, i have OA in my spine and i had my spinal op in Jan this year still in recovery, why should you have to take your husband to an appointment to let him see what you go and are going through, with your illness, my husband doe's all the housework ironing cleaning etc and it is me that feels guilty as i miss doing some of it myself and i am unable to to anything at all at the moment, i only went out with my husband for the first time last Saturday since my op, which was hard felt knackered. Tell your husband to look on this forum and he will then get to see what we are all going through i have only been on here since last year, having RA or OA is not like having a tummy ache that people understand i hope if your husband gets to look at this forum he can see what other people go through, sometimes if something is written down for another person to see then reality to RA or OA will kick in, nice to see you on here, take care MOONFAIRY x
As for sex as you mentioned in your post, who wants to make love when they are in pain, i don't. I am happy that i have a husband that understand what i am going through, i hope your husband will eventually understand the pain you are in, take care nice to see you on here x MOONFAIRY
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Date: 25.03.2010
From: jae

Subject: Re: why dont men understand ???

ITs not men its just all of our respective partners im afraid you can`t possibly explain to anyone how it feels i have given up trying to explain how i feel and just get on with it i would get a punch bag but thats out of the question with my hands as for the sex life as a man impossible to explain how RA kills those thoughts good luck with everything sending hugs and i think your man needs to make more effort or perhaps he could give up a vice or two so you could get a cleaner you might have a tiny bit more energy for other persuits
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Date: 25.03.2010
From: jill

Subject: Re: why dont men understand ???

I agree with u Jae, its Not just men that dont understand, it can br mothers that think their daughters r lazy, or m8s tht think we r unsociable, anyone, becos they cant feel our pain, or c it, especially if u hav suddently been diagnosed..... Sarah I do feel for U, But I think U shld try and get hubby to go with u to the rhummy appointments, R U ON MTX?...take him with u to see your rhummy nurse and rhummy, becos he will know by the convo u have with him, u cld mb suggest to the rhummy to briefly explain the way the disease does and how it affects you painwise, and Y u have it, and what to expect etc, rhummy prob suspect hubby isnt sure what is going on and will oblige andf explain......Also your Hubby really should be looking into your conditon, he shld be wanting to know everything about U....regards sex, tell him unles he want to learn about what u r suffering, to go and use the bog meanwhile, and test him on his 'newfound knowledge! tc Sarah

Love Jill x
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Date: 26.03.2010
From: Verity

Subject: Re: why dont men understand ???

Hey Sarah, my OH has always been pretty good but I noticed a massive difference after I got DLA and Ive included him in more of my more important appointments. It feels like he takes it more seriously now, which is a relief. Im still able to work full time coz I sit at a desk all day, so I work and he does everything else (he's always wanted to be a house husband lol). I just dont have the energy and am in too much pain to do anything other than work.
With regards to sex..... well...... its been a while lol I can't face sex at the moment coz Im in too much pain, he struggled with it for quite a while and thought I just didn't want him. But, again, since taking him with me to appts (and now im due to have my hips replaced too) hes realising that its just the sheer amount of pain im in that puts me off and not him. Of course, I feel incredibly guilty ALL THE TIME! but he never pressures me into anything. Just hoping after ive had my hips done Ill be able to make up for lost time lol

Definately take him to your appts and ask him to look into the condition. If he refuses and is still too self obsessed to do that, then he aint worth it (just my opinion). But give him a chance : )

Hope youre well xx
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Date: 30.03.2010
From: gary

Subject: Re: why dont men understand ???

i understand but its the wife who doesnt , maybe its because i work and as she finishes later than me i cook the tea and sort my daughter out when she gets home from school. sometimes its easier just to say nothing and get on with it
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Date: 30.03.2010
From: KayJay

Subject: Re: why dont men understand ???

gary - you sound like a diamond. If only all blokes did what you do. Mine wouldn't even change a nappy ..
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Date: 31.03.2010
From: gary

Subject: Re: why dont men understand ???

ive got 3 daughters and changing nappies didnt bother me at all. also got a 2yr old grandson and daughter and now i cant stomach changing them but am forced to when babysitting. due another grandchild any day now, daughter a week late so more babysitting on the way, dont mind but when they run up the garden path calling grandad ARTHUR at the top of there voices u gotta laugh
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Date: 31.03.2010
From: Jill

Subject: Re: why dont men understand ???

LOLOLOLOL.....cant wait to be a nana....
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